


Self-Defense

by sunshineinthestorm



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Also character death, Gen, Post-Lies of Omission, Scott McCall & Stiles Stilinski Friendship, basically completely spoils 5x09, many spoilers, proceed with caution: there's brief self-harm and suicidal thoughts, stydia is not actually the main focus of this - it's just implied, this fic is mostly concerned with repairing scott and stiles' friendship, this is basically me writing the last episode the way i want it to go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-18
Updated: 2015-12-22
Packaged: 2018-04-15 09:21:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4601475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshineinthestorm/pseuds/sunshineinthestorm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the events of Lies of Omission, Stiles completely loses his mind. Lydia manages to calm him down to some extent, but with his mental health on the brink of collapse and Scott still convinced of Theo's lies, will either of them take the first steps towards repairing their friendship? Or will Theo and the dread doctors tear the pack apart before they even get a chance to try?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Wrench in the Plans

**Author's Note:**

> This is 100% going to conflict with canon next week, but I'm too emotionally distressed to care. So instead you get to read my version of what should happen in Monday’s episode. Basically this entire fic is a spoiler, so stop reading now if you need to! Also, this is definitely going to have other chapters.
> 
> And in case you didn't see the tags, this is rated M for self-harm and thoughts of suicide.

Eventually, Stiles leaves.

He gets into his stupid-ass jeep (thank God it starts because he might have actually destroyed it himself if it hadn't) and leaves.

He doesn't try to call Malia again. He doesn't even try to call Lydia. And he sure as hell doesn't call his dad.

He just drives. Part of him thinks he might actually drive out of Beacon Hills (and not come back). He thinks he might have actually lost himself that completely. He thinks it might be best if he leaves—because there isn't actually anything left of Stiles Stilinski anyway, so he should stop hurting Stiles' friends by staying behind and pretending to be a boy that doesn't exist.

Then he sees the wrench in the passenger seat.

He slams on the brakes, his stupid-ass jeep skidding to a stop in the middle of the rain-drenched road. He doesn't pull over. He doesn't check for cars. He doesn't do anything at all, actually—just stares in disbelief at the object that he hadn't dropped in the parking lot for some stupid-ass reason. There's still blood on the fixed jaw. _Donovan's blood._

A car whizzes by him, blaring its horn and flashing its lights. The noise is a trigger catapulting him into motion, and he picks up the wrench and hurls it out his window. Then he stumbles out of his stupid-ass jeep and grabs the wrench again. His fingers brush the blood, and a shudder starts in his fingertips and spreads throughout his entire body. He screams and screams and screams, as long and loud as any scream he's heard from Lydia. Then he throws the wrench so hard that his shoulder— _damn that shoulder_ —convulses in pain. He stumbles back, gripping his shoulder, and screams again. He just wants every memory of that night _gone_. He'd rip off the mark Donovan left on his skin in an instant, even if that meant ripping off his entire arm, just for it to stop reminding him of what he'd done. Hell, he'd go straight to the dread doctors and let them experiment on him if they'd promise to do what they did to Cory and erase his memory.

 _Cory_ … The thought of Cory makes the faces of every chimera they've met appear in front of him. _You killed Donovan. You killed Donovan_. He can see the accusation in their eyes. _You killed Donovan, and Scott hates you. You killed Donovan, and you couldn't save any of us, and Scott hates you._

Gradually, he realizes that he's still shaking. He shivers and shudders and shakes until he can't take it anymore, and then he waves his arms through the faces of the chimeras and howls, " _THAT'S ENOUGH!_ "

Somehow he makes his way back to his jeep, even though his legs are trembling along with the rest of his body and he slips and falls on the wet road more than once. Somehow he finds a pocketknife in the glove compartment, even though his hands are shaking so quickly that they're a blur. Somehow he slides to the ground and puts the pocketknife on the scar that Donovan left and screams, " _I DON'T WANT THIS ANYMORE!_ " Then he stabs down.

The pain is sharp and savage and reminds him of what he told Scott. _SOME OF US ARE HUMAN!_ He screams and slashes his shoulder again and again, defacing the mark Donovan left until it's not visible anymore, hidden under a ugly red mess of blood that runs down his arm along with the rain. "That's not what I meant, Scott," he says with each new cut. "That's not what I meant. You're more human than I am. I'm just—just—" He buries the tip of his pocketknife in his shoulder and lets out a noise wilder than Scott's alpha howl. "I don't even deserve to be a person anymore." He tries to scream again, but his throat is too raw.

With a gulp, he pulls the pocketknife out of his skin. His vision's blurring now, but he can still see the blood dripping from it. It looks ugly and dirty, just like him. For an instant, he wonders if—

" _STIIIIIIILES!"_

His head jerks up. The pocketknife tumbles from his fingers. "Lydia?" The name is a hushed whisper, no more than a breath on his lips, but it's enough for him to blink and look around. He sees Lydia running towards him, her eyes wide in horror.

"My God, Stiles, what happened to you?"

She kneels down in front of him, and he's reminded inexplicably (or maybe inevitably) about that day in the locker room last year. The day when she kissed him to help him breathe.

"Stiles, Stiles, oh my God, Stiles…" She reaches towards his shoulder but stops before she touches it, looking at him with a thousand questions in her eyes. "Who did this to you?"

He shows her his hands, shivering and as blood-soaked as the night he killed Donovan. "I did," he whispers. And that's when he starts crying.

* * *

" _Stiles_ ?" Lydia watches in horror as his face crumples and he balls his hands into fists and smashes them against his eyes. " _STILES!_ Why would you do that?"

He doesn't answer her, so Lydia takes his hands and moves them away from his face. "Stiles! Why did you do that?"

The look in his eyes shatters Lydia's heart. "Scott hates me."

She frowns. "Scott could never—"

"Scott hates me, and I killed Donovan."

Lydia drops his hands and gapes at him. When he sees her expression, he lets out a laugh that scrapes his throat raw. "And now you hate me too."

"What? No! I don't hate—"

"You're lyin—"

"I'm not lying! Stiles, I don't hate you." Lydia wants to cry too, but that won't make Stiles feel better. Instead, she pushes back her own emotions and takes his hands again, swallowing hard when some of his blood washes onto her. "Stiles, was Donovan trying to kill you?"

He looks at her blankly. "He was going to kill my dad, Lydia."

She frowns. "Okay. That would be bad. But he was trying to kill you too, wasn't he?"

He shrugs, and Lydia notices that his wince is even more pained than before. "He was going to eat my legs," he says. "He was going to eat my legs, Lydia, and seeing me like that would've _killed_ my dad." His voice is steady until he gets to the word "dad".

Lydia squints at him. "He was going to _eat your legs_?" she repeats. "Stiles! Forget about it killing your dad! _That would've killed you too!_ "

"So what?"

A hard knot starts growing somewhere in Lydia's stomach, winding itself around her core. " _So what_?" she cries. "That means you didn't 'kill' him at all! It was self-defense!"

He won't even look at her now. "Scott doesn't think so."

Blood is still dripping from his shoulder, and he's still shuddering more than his jeep's ancient engine, and Lydia can't take it anymore. She cups his face with both hands and turns it in her direction, forcing him to look her in the eyes. "If Scott doesn't think so," she says firmly, "it's because he doesn't know the full story."

The way Stiles is looking at her, she'd think he'd just seen the date on his own death certificate. "Neither do you."

"All right, then tell me the full story. But first, we are getting inside your jeep because it's too damn cold out here." _Also, I don't like the way you're shaking,_ she thinks. _You have enough to worry about without catching hypothermia too._ She gets to her feet and glares at him until he stands up too. They leave the pocketknife in the road. When he won't let her sit in the driver's seat, she insists that he drive the jeep to the shoulder so they don’t get hit by a car. (He doesn't seem to care about getting hit himself, but he takes one look at her and agrees to move. She tries not to think about that too hard because it'll make her want to cry again.)

When they're parked, she turns and looks at him expectantly. They don't have time for this, she knows. The dread doctors could be closing in on the vet clinic right now, and Hayden could be dying, and she hasn't heard from Malia all day. But she doesn't like the way Stiles is breathing—doesn't like the way he gasps for air like he's on the verge of a panic attack—so she wraps her fingers around his blood-stained hand and says, "Tell me everything."


	2. Betrayal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With any luck I'll be able to post a chapter almost every day to fit an entire episode's worth of storytelling into this fic before Monday. I'm not sure, though, because I'm going to be pretty busy this weekend.
> 
> Either way, here's this chapter for you!

Once Stiles starts talking, it doesn't take him long to blurt the whole story out. While he speaks, Lydia bandages up his shoulder with the emergency kit that he apparently keeps under the passenger seat. (When she first opens it, she can't help but notice that it's more organized than anything else in Stiles' life. But she doesn't comment on it. She understands all too well that the neatness of this kit could one day save one of their lives.)

She places one hand on his arm when he finishes and says gently, "That's everything that happened, right?" (She hates that she has to be gentle with him. She misses the time when they could yell at each other and roll their eyes at each other and crash and burn into each other without feeling like they might break each other in half.)

"Yeah, that's everything," Stiles says, his voice far too throaty and scratchy for Lydia's liking.

"Good," she says.

He winces, and Lydia hates that she doesn't know why. (When did she stop knowing him as well as her own heartbeat?) "Good?"

"Good," she repeats, rubbing his arm. "Because that means that I was right. It _was_ self-defense. You're no murderer, Stiles. The alpha pack? The hitmen? The dread doctors? _They_ were murderers. Not you." When he doesn't stop shaking, she leans over the console and wraps her arms around his neck, pulling him into an awkward hug that he doesn't flinch away from. Slowly, slowly, he stops trembling. Only then does he lean his head away from Lydia and frown at her.

"Hey, I didn't get to ask you. How did you know where to find me? Did you _finally_ get all the messages I left you?"

"No, I…" Lydia hesitates. The hard knot in her stomach tightens. "Oh, God."

"What? What?" She can't believe the easy way that Stiles shoves his emotions behind a mask and gently deposits her back in her seat like he hasn't just completely broken down in front of her. But the voices pressing in on her skull make her think that it's probably a good thing he has that skill. "Lydia? _Lydia_!" His voice manages to push through all the other noises crowding her brain. "Lydia, what is it?"

"I didn't get any of your messages," she says softly. "I was busy, and my phone died. I just happened to see your jeep when I was driving in this direction, so I detoured. I was heading to—to—the animal clinic."

He freezes. Then carefully, deliberately, he reaches his hand behind the wheel and turns the ignition. By some miracle, the engine starts. "Lydia," he says, already turning around, "Scott's there. Liam and Hayden and Theo are too. If you didn't get my messages, why were _you_ heading there?"

"Because," she whispers. "Someone there is going to die."

* * *

The way Liam is glaring hits Scott like a blow to the chest. _Not you too_ , he thinks. _Not after Stiles_ … But it's too late for that now.

" _No?_ " Liam growls, his eyes flashing yellow. " _NO?! Scott, she's dying! Give her the bite!_ "

"No."

" _WHY NOT?!_ "

Scott tries to keep his voice even. "Liam, the bite only has a 50/50 chance of working on a human."

_Some of us have to make mistakes! Some of us have to get our hands a little bloody sometimes! Some of us are HUMAN!_

"So what?" Liam shouts, pulling Scott back into the present. "Hayden's strong like me. She'll be part of that 50 percent!"

"I said it was 50/50 for a _human_ , Liam." It's getting harder and harder to Scott to stay calm, but he has to. He has to, right? His pack is falling apart, and he's the only one who can keep it together. He can't do that if he loses his temper. "But Hayden isn't human anymore—she's a chimera. We don't know how the bite will affect her."

"Maybe," Liam seethes. "Maybe the bite'll kill her. But she's _ALREADY DYING, SCOTT!_ _Don't tell me you're going to stand around and watch! Scott, you're a TRUE ALPHA! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO SOMETHING!_ "

"We don't know that the mercury will kill her," Scott says, knowing that his voice sounds desperate. "She could heal on her own—"

" _Are you willing to take that chance?_ " Liam's nostrils flare, and his chest heaves up and down as he tries to match Scott's volume. "You _told_ me that you'd do anything to protect her! If you give her the bite, she'll heal for sure!"

Scott locks his eyes on Liam's, pleading for him to listen to what he's saying, to believe in him.

_So believe me, Scott._

"Or she could die for sure," he finds himself saying. He hates that he's talking about Hayden like she isn't sitting right in front of him too, but he doesn't know what else to do. He never knows what to do anymore. "Liam, you can't ask me to give her the bite. Please. I… I can't be responsible for someone else's death."

Liam bares his fangs. "That's what you don't get, Scott. If you don't give her the bite, and she dies? You'll be responsible anyway."

"Liam—"

But Liam won't even look at him, turning all his attention to Hayden instead. Scott backs away until he's pressed up against a wall. Then his legs give out, and he slides down the wall and puts his head in his hands. Is Liam right? Is not giving the bite to Hayden just as irresponsible as giving it to her? Does he have a choice?

 _You think I had a choice?_ There's always a choice. _Yeah, well, I can't do what you can, Scott! I know you wouldn't have done it. You probably would have just figured something out, right?_ I'd try. _Yeah, because you're SCOTT MCCALL! YOU'RE THE TRUE ALPHA! Guess what, all of us can't be true alphas! Some of us have to make mistakes!_

Scott looks down at his hands, imagining them as covered in blood as Stiles' must have been. Maybe he doesn't have the right to be angry at Stiles. After all, he's made plenty of mistakes too. He's watched people die because he wasn't good enough—because he hadn't tried hard enough to figure something out.

_Some of us are HUMAN!_

Scott closes his hands into fists and pounds them against his knees. _Guess what, Stiles. So am I._

"Scott?"

For a moment, Scott thinks—hopes?— _fears_ that Stiles followed him inside anyway. But when he turns his head, it's just Theo, sitting next to him on the hard tile floor. "Hey," he says, trying not to let his voice betray his relief—disappointment?—mixed emotions. Theo didn't sign up for any of this. "You're not running away yet? Getting out of Beacon Hills while you still can?"

Theo snorts. "Hardly. You guys'll probably need my help when the dread doctors show up again." He hesitates. "But Scott?"

"What?"

"I think you should give Hayden the bite."

He stiffens. "Not you too—"

"No, I don't mean it like that." Theo puts his hands up in a placating gesture. "I understand your reasons for not wanting to do it. You're right, it _is_ dangerous. But you didn't see how weak Hayden looked when I was driving her. She's in bad shape, Scott. The bite might be her best chance of survival." He inclines his head a little and adds under his breath, "Besides, it's what Liam wants. This way, if Hayden dies anyway, he won't be able to blame you for it. He'll know that you did everything you could."

_There's always a choice._

"I'm not supposed to choose things because they're easy," he says quietly. "I'm supposed to figure out what's best for the pack and then do that. Even if they… even if they hate me for it."

Theo shakes his head. "I'm telling you, I know what you think you're doing, but you've got to change your mind. You've got to give her the bite. You've got to make sure Liam doesn't hate you because _you need your pack_ , Scott."

Scott looks down. "I'm not so sure I have one anymore."

Before Theo can respond, the doors to the clinic burst open. Once again, Scott fears and thinks and hopes that it's Stiles. But Lydia marches inside instead, barely even flinching when she catches sight of Hayden, weak and pale in the corner. Her eyes search the room until she finds Scott, and then she plants her feet and says, "Everyone needs to get out of here _right now_."

He frowns. "But Lydia, all of Deaton's stuff is here. We might need it to help Hayden—"

"I don't care," she says. "Someone's going to die here. You need to _get out_ before it turns out to be one of you."

After all this time, Scott's learned to stop questioning Lydia's banshee powers. He scrambles to his feet and hurries over to Liam, who's struggling to get Hayden on her feet. "Do you need help—"

" _NO,_ " Liam snarls. "If you won't give her the bite, I don't want anything else from you."

Theo steps forward. "Don't worry," he says quietly. "I'll help them. Just get out of here."

Scott swallows hard, then nods. Lydia follows him on his way out, saying, "Scott, just so you know, Stiles—"

But he's already stopped in his tracks, staring at the guy who's waiting outside the clinic. The rain may have lessened to a drizzle by now, but Stiles is still soaking wet and shivering. And he won't quite look at him.

"Stiles."

"Scott." His voice cracks in the middle of the syllable. "Scott, we've gotta talk. I've gotta tell you the full story—"

"Not now, Stiles."

"What? Scott, but—"

"Not _now_ , Stiles. Hayden is dying, and Liam wants me to give her the bite, and Lydia thinks someone's going to die here, and I just… I can't do this right now. I told you to go talk to your dad."

Stiles is looking at him now. He's looking at him, and his eyes are so vulnerable and pained that Scott can't believe he could have ever doubted him. It's _Stiles_ , after all. It's his best friend who wouldn't hurt a fly—but then he remembers the way Stiles almost broke his hand when he slammed it down on his jeep's engine, and the way he raised that wrench, and he doubts all over again.

" _Scott_. Scott, can you give me just a minute to—"

"Well?" Liam demands, coming out of the clinic with one arm wrapped around Hayden. Theo lifts her on the other side. "If we can't stay here, where are we going to take Hayden? Where can we go that the dread doctors won't find… find…" His arm goes slack. If Theo hadn't been holding up Hayden as well, she would have collapsed. As it is, he has to work to keep her upright.

"Liam?" Scott says cautiously, frowning. "Liam, what's wrong?"

Lydia takes a step back. "It's the night of the supermoon," she says. "Everything's going to be heightened tonight, and Liam—"

At that moment, Liam's claws come out. His nose elongates, his hair lengthens, and he leans his head back and howls before leaping towards Scott with fangs outstretched.

"Whoa! Whoa, Liam!" Scott barely manages to dodge. His own claws come out reflexively, and the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end.

Lydia's voice is desperate when she calls out, "Liam, remember, it's just another full moon. You can control this, remember? What three things cannot long be hidden?"

But as Liam swipes at him again, Scott isn't sure that he's lost control at all. His motions are too purposeful for that. This attack seems… intentional.

"Liam?" His werewolf growl infects his voice a little, but at this point, Scott thinks he might need it to get Liam's attention. "Liam, what's going on? Why are you attacking me?"

The glow of his yellow eyes seems even brighter than the supermoon. "Won't… bite… Hayden…" he growls. Then, abruptly, he stops attacking and runs off.

"Liam? _Liam!_ " Without thinking about it, Scott sprints to his motorcycle and shoves his helmet on. "I'm going after him," he shouts to no one in particular.

"What?" Stiles yelps. "Scott, he was trying to _kill_ you—"

"Don't worry, I won't do the same to him."

Stiles staggers back, eyes wide, and regret hits Scott like a punch in the gut. "I didn't mean that," he says quickly. "Stiles, I didn't mean that. Stiles—"

"It doesn't matter." His voice is too harsh for the night air, but for once, Scott doesn't blame him. "Go after your beta, Scott."

There's nothing Scott can do except nod. "Lydia, get Hayden in your car. Take her somewhere safe—I don't care where. Theo, follow behind her, protect them. Stiles—I don't know, Stiles. I guess what you do next is up to you."

He drives away before he can see the look on Stiles' face.

* * *

Somehow, Stiles finds the energy to help Lydia bring Hayden to her car. Between him and her and Theo, they decide that maybe the dread doctors won't attack the school twice. (It's a lie—they all know it's a lie—but they have no other options.) Lydia gives him a look that he's too numb to understand, gets into her car, and drives away. Stiles just stares at nothing. Being told that he can do whatever he wants has never made him feel so alone.

"Stiles."

His name is a bullet in the silence. He whirls around, gaping at Theo. "What are you doing here? You're supposed to be following Lydia!"

"Oh, she's not in danger," he says. "And neither is Hayden."

"What? How can you say that? The dread doctors—"

"The dread doctors," Theo says, "have more important experiments to focus on."

Stiles takes a step back. "Why…" He swallows. "Why do you say that like you're sure?"

"Oh, come on, Stiles. Are you telling me that you haven't figured it out yet?" Theo laughs. He _laughs._ And suddenly, Stiles knows.

"You're working with the dread doctors."

Theo just grins.

This should be earth-shattering, mind-blowing news. He should be gloating that he was right once again, just like he always is, and complaining that Scott should have believed him.

_Say you believe me._

_We can't kill people! Do you believe that?_

"Honestly," Theo says, "I'm surprised that it's taken you this long. You're supposed to be the one who figures everything out, right? And yet you didn't see this one coming." His grin turns into a smirk, one that makes Stiles' blood boil. "Then again, I guess I did make sure you had other things on your mind."

"You _made sure_ —Theo, are you saying—"

"Yeah, I told Donovan to kill you." Theo's _enjoying_ this. Stiles can see it on his face. "I told him that if he really wanted to hurt your dad, he should hurt you, and he didn't question me for a second. It was so _easy_."

His fingers curl into fists. "What did you tell Scott?"

"Not the truth, that's for sure." He walks closer, and he's so _confident_ that it makes Stiles want to throw up. "I told him exactly what I knew would make him the most upset. And then I told your dad exactly what I knew would make him trust me."

"Don't you _DARE touch my dad_ —"

"Oh, don't worry, Stiles! That was just to get him off my back. There's only one Stilinski I'm interested in, and it sure as hell isn't the sheriff."

Stiles wants to punch him in the face. He wants to pound him into the ground until there's nothing of him left. But he knows that Theo's a werewolf, and he's just a human, and so he doesn't even try. Not yet, anyway. "Okay, so what are you so interested in me for?" he asks, struggling not to lose control. "Why are you _here_ , Theo? If you don't want to become part of the pack, then why are you _here_?"

"Oh, I never lied about _that_." Theo spreads his arms wide. "I did come to Beacon Hills for a pack—and not just any pack. I came for the werecoyote. I came for the banshee, the dark kitsune, the beta with anger issues—I came for _void Stiles_." Stiles reels back. He opens his mouth—to say what, he doesn't know.

But he doesn't get a chance to say anything, because Theo isn't finished. " _That's the pack I want_ ," he tells him. "It doesn't include Scott."

Stiles starts shaking his head and can't force himself to stop. "No," he says. "No, no, you can't—"

"I planted the idea in Liam's head about giving Hayden the bite to save her life," he says. "If Scott can't do it, then Liam will try to kill him to become the pack's alpha."

"Liam wouldn't—"

"I know he wouldn't. But to save Hayden, he'll try. He'll beat Scott within an inch of his life. And when he falters at the end, I'll be there to finish Scott off."

"No," Stiles says, his throat tightening. He thought a world in which Scott hated him was bad… but the only thing worse would be a world in which Scott was _gone_. "No, but what if Scott _does_ give her the bite? Liam won't attack him, and you won't be able to defeat him on your own—"

But Theo just laughs again. "If Scott does give her the bite," he says, "I won't have to do a thing. The wolfsbane and mercury running through her veins will kill him all on its own."

"You _BASTARD!"_ That's when Stiles punches him. He nails him across the face, so hard that Theo actually collapses. For one glorious second, Stiles is pleased.

Then Theo gets to his feet, wiping blood from his lip and _still_ wearing that sadistic grin. "You know, Stiles, there's only one reason I'd tell you so much about what I'm going to do. It's because I know you can't stop me."

His eyes glow, yellow and heartless, and Stiles knows that he's about to die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am very upset because I had to rewatch the Sciles breakup scene like five times to catch all the dialogue I included in this chapter and I am nOT OKAY. Argh.


	3. Void

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I missed my "one chapter a day" schedule by a couple hours... But seeing as I haven't fallen asleep yet, I'm going to go ahead and pretends it's still Thursday. D: 
> 
> Either way, enjoy the chapter!

"Liam? Liam!" Scott shouts until his throat is hoarse, not caring who else might hear him. Under other circumstances, he would've called him by howling… but after everything that's happened in the last few days, Scott doesn't know if Liam would answer. Finally, he spots him in the parking lot in front of the school. (Why did they always end up at the school? Was it part of those currents or just constant, random coincidence?)

"Liam!" Scott parks his motorcycle close by, then walks forward, making sure to keep his eyes from glowing. "I'm glad I found you. I was so worried…"

Liam spins around, and Scott's relieved to see that he looks normal again. But the ice-cold edge to his voice keeps Scott from relaxing completely. "I'm glad you found me too," he says quietly. "I figured you'd be the one to go after me."

Scott frowns. "Liam, why _did_ you run away? I thought you would've wanted to stay close to Hayden—"

"Not yet," he says. "I didn't want her to see this."

"See wha—"

"Are you serious about not giving her the bite?"

Scott takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry, Liam. I just think there are too many risks—"

"So you're _afraid_." Liam's eyes start glowing again. "When I'm alpha, I won't be afraid."

Then he launches himself at Scott.

* * *

 

Theo grabs Stiles by the collar of his sweatshirt and lifts him off his feet before throwing him down to the ground. By some miracle, he doesn't pass out. "Tell me something," he says, struggling to his feet, only to get tossed to the ground again. He's starting to regret getting rid of his wrench. "Are you even the same Theo we went to elementary school with?"

"I used to be," he says. He punches Stiles in the face three times as hard as Stiles hit him, completely destroying his lip.

Stiles spits out blood. "Used to be? What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, come on, Stiles. One secret at a time."

The next blow breaks his nose like a twig.

"One… secret at a time? Here's a secret for you, then." Stiles wipes away the blood streaming down his face and shakes his hand, splattering red drops across the asphalt. "Even if you kill Scott, this pack will never follow you. Everyone will know what you did."

The corner of Theo's mouth tilts upward. When Stiles tries to punch the smirk off his face, he grabs his arm. "I don't think so." Theo twists his arm behind his back with enough force to make him scream. "You see, the dread doctors have an experiment that they're going to unleash on the school tonight, and it's even more unstable than you." Stiles shouts something unintelligible—even _he_ doesn't know what he meant to say—and elbows Theo in the gut, but the werewolf doesn't flinch. Instead, he slams Stiles into the side of the clinic. Something snaps.

"Come on, Stiles, don't be like that. It was a compliment."

" _YOU'RE THE UNSTABLE ONE!_ " Stiles roars, but it's hard to sound menacing when his mouth is full of blood.

"It doesn't matter. What matters is that when the pack finds me, Scott, and the experiment in that school, and I'm the only one left alive, making up a story will be almost _too_ easy. The experiment attacked both of us, and only one of us survived. My eyes turned red because I was the one who killed it in self-defense." Theo throws Stiles against the wall again. This time, his head cracks against the cement blocks. Spots dance in his vision, mixing with the streetlamps, as Stiles slumps to his knees.

"After I saved Liam and Hayden, the rest of the pack has no reason not to trust me." Theo stands over Stiles, grinning. "I'm a hero to them. They'll accept me as their alpha."

Stiles can hear his heartbeat pounding in his ears. "I won't."

Theo raises his eyebrows. "And why should I care about that?"

"You're the one who said you wanted me to be part of your pack."

He snorts. "Not _you_. Don't be ridiculous. You're just a _human_ _—_ I don't care about you. I came for _void_ Stiles. The nogitsune."

Stiles tries not to let Theo see how much the mere mention of the nogitsune terrifies him. "Newsflash, Theo," he shouts over the roar of blood in his ears. "We sealed that guy away a year ago!"

Theo laughs. "Come on, Stiles. Don't tell me you _believe_ that. I wasn't sure at first, but as soon as you looked me in the eyes and told me killing Donovan felt good, I _knew_. He's still inside you. He never left. Haven't you _felt_ different since then?"

"I haven—"

But then Stiles remembers. He remembers listening to Brunski causing Lydia pain and wanting to murder him—not knocking him out to get away, not killing him in self-defense, _murdering_ him. He remembers getting so angry with Scott that he slammed his fist against his jeep and nearly broke his hand. He remembers wanting to crack Donovan's skull against a bookshelf until he couldn't talk badly about his dad anymore. He remembers the horror mixed with _relief_ (and shit, maybe even _satisfaction_ ) he felt in that moment when he first saw Donovan with a pole through his heart. He remembers the fireflies and smoke and white and black Go pieces that haunt his nightmares (when he lets himself fall asleep at all), and he stops talking.

Because suddenly, Theo's theory doesn't sound so far-fetched.

"I knew it," Theo says, watching Stiles's expression with glee. "I knew he wasn't gone."

Stiles feels like he's just been stabbed with Kira's katana, but he tries to hide his terror. "Well," he says, "he isn't _here_ either."

"No, he isn't," Theo says. "That's too bad for you." He curls his hand into a fist and slams it against Stiles' face, and everything goes dark.

* * *

Lydia pulls into the school parking lot and sees Scott's motorcycle sitting there like a welcome sign. "Look," she says to Hayden, trying to keep her voice light as she kills the engine. "If Scott's here, then Liam probably is too. We'll be even safer."

She avoids telling Hayden just _why_ she's so glad that Scott and Liam are here too. Even after everything he's done to show his loyalty, she still doesn't really trust Theo. It's not that he's _done_ anything that warrants suspicion. It's just that Stiles thinks he's hiding something. And even though Stiles can get pretty paranoid, he's also right 99% of the time.

"I'm going to die, aren't I?" Hayden mumbles from the backseat.

Lydia freezes in the middle of pulling her keys out of the ignition. "Hayden…"

"The doctors injected me with something, Lydia. If Scott doesn't give me the bite, I'll die."

"You don't know that," Lydia says desperately, deciding not to mention that getting injected with something was exactly how Tracy died. "We don't know how chimeras heal. You can't be sure—"

"'S okay," she says, her words slurring together. "Scott'll give me the bite. He cares."

Lydia swallows hard, then yanks her keys out and steps out of her car. "Scott?" she calls out. "Scott, Hayden's getting worse. Are you sure about not giving her the bite?"

She's about to call out for Scott again when someone rounds the corner of the school building. She squints. "Scott? Is that you?" As the person keeps walking, she frowns. "Deputy Parrish? I thought you were going to stay at the sheriff's office…"

When he doesn't answer, Lydia tenses. "Deputy…" Then he gets close enough for Lydia to see his face, and she doesn't bother finishing. She can guess what that blank look in his eyes means. Moving slowly to keep from startling him, Lydia turns around—and then makes a run for it.


	4. Shattered and Shattering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yesterday I posted a chapter that said I'd discontinue this since I figured no one cared about this story, and for some reason, four different people commented and told me they still wanted to know what would happen next??? I still don't know why, but as long as you guys want to keep reading it, I guess I'll finish writing this! Shoutout to Stormofdarkness, starfish_angel, RubySparkles009, and mehnema for telling me to continue. I deleted the chapter that was just me babbling, which deleted your comments as well, but I promise that I appreciated your input and kind words.
> 
> Now without further ado, have this chapter!

Lydia knows how this is supposed to work—Parrish isn't supposed to hurt people unless they get in his way. If she stood back and let him take Hayden, she'd probably be okay. But… but… "Hayden's not dead yet!" she cries, standing in front of her car door and blocking Parrish's way. "So you can't take her!"

Parrish—or whatever's controlling Parrish's body right now—just stares at her for a while with blank orange eyes. Then he slowly, slowly sinks onto the ground and crosses his legs. To Lydia, it's a clear signal that he's not going to take Hayden yet. With a sigh of either relief or nervousness—she's not sure which—Lydia gets in her car and frowns at the steering wheel. He's not taking Hayden _yet_. She's not dead _yet._ That doesn't mean she won't be soon.

Swallowing hard, Lydia pulls out her cell phone and finds a contact number she hasn't used in a while. With an almost detached fascination, she realizes her hands are shaking.

"Hello? Mrs. McCall? You're not working right now, are you?"

There's a half-second of silence, and then Melissa McCall's voice makes the phone itself ooze comfort, confidence, and kindness. "When it comes to you kids and my particular job, it's usually better when I'm working. And you know it doesn't matter either way. What do you need?"

Lydia feels a scream rise in her throat and chokes it down. _Not yet_ , she thinks. _No one can be dying yet… right_? "It's about Hayden. Well, really, it's about everyone… but Hayden's the one who needs your help the most." She takes a deep breath, steadies her shaking hands. "What do you know about treating mercury poisoning?"

* * *

"We don't have time for this, Liam," Scott says desperately, backing through the hallways as he tries to reason with his beta. "Hayden needs us. Don't you want to be with her?"

"I will be," Liam growls, springing forward. "I will be once I'm alpha and can save her life!"

"Killing me won't save her if the bite doesn't work," he reminds him.

"Keeping you alive won't save her if you refuse to try."

"Why aren't you hearing me?" Scott keeps moving backwards until his back slams into a locker and there's nowhere else to go. "Liam, I'm making the best decision I can."

"Well, it's not good enough!"

Liam pounces before Scott can figure out if he should defend himself. He digs his claws into Scott's shoulders and flings him around, tossing him into a wall. It takes three more attacks before Scott makes up his mind. "Don't make me do this," he murmurs, eyes glowing red.

Liam's only response is another punch that makes Scott double over. He gives up. His claws come out. "I'm sorry," he whispers to no one in particular. Then he grabs Liam by the shirt collar and slams him to the ground. His beta lets out a wheezing cough, and his claws shorten back into nails.

"I couldn't let you do that," Scott says, hearing the apology in his own voice. "I couldn't let you kill me. I can't let anyone else die."

"But Hayden—"

"I…" Scott gulps. The twist in his stomach hurts worse than any of the injuries Liam inflicted. "I won't let her die either."

Liam's eyes widen. Finally— _finally_ —his eyes stop glowing, and Scott thinks that keeping Liam's humanity intact might be worth the cost of the sin he's about to commit. "Do you mean—"

"I'll do it. I'll give her the bite, Liam."

* * *

When Stiles wakes up, it's still nighttime. That, at least, gives him hope that he can get to Scott before Theo does.

Well, he has hope until he gets into his jeep and realizes that it's died on him. _Again._

For a second, Stiles honestly can't process what has just happened to him. He stares blankly at his swinging keychain and listens to the engine sputter and die over and over again. This can't be happening. He can't be stuck at the animal clinic while Theo follows Scott and tricks Scott and kills Scott because Stiles was too selfish to tell him the truth. His best friend can't die while hating him. Screw that—his best friend can't die thinking that Stiles hates him. Stiles can't do that to him.

At that revelation, something inside him crumbles. He stops twisting his keys. Calmly removes them from the ignition and drops them in a cup holder before opening his door and exiting the jeep. Then he grabs the hood of his jeep—not noticing that his grip dents the metal—and throws it up carelessly, propping it open before it can slam back down on his fingers. He shreds the duct tape separating him from the engine and lays his hands directly on the hot metal. Lightning sparks from his fingers, and the engine hums, and—

Stiles jerks back, smacking his head against the hood. _Lightning?_

 _He's still inside you. He never left. Haven't you felt different since then?_ Stiles hits the ground, scrambling as far away from his jeep as he can, and examines his fingers. Black Lichtenberg figures shatter his skin into twenty different fragments. Theo wasn't wrong.

The ringing in his ears resolves into clarity. Stiles wonders if Deaton keeps knives in the animal clinic. If he chopped off his hands, would that cut off the nogitsune's influence? If he killed himself, would the fox spirit finally die? That _is_ what he promised last year…

But then Stiles remembers Scott, and he forces himself off the ground. _Not yet_. Scott needs him alive. No one else knows about Theo. No one else can make sure Scott doesn't die.

So when the earlier sparks aren't strong enough to jump start his car, Stiles doesn't hesitate. He places one hand on each side of the circuit, closes his eyes, and accepts his failure to close the door.

The Lichtenberg figures spread to his palms, and Stiles drives away.

* * *

 

"Is he really just going to sit there?" Liam asks, frowning at Parrish.

"I think so," Lydia responds. "Now are you going to help me get Hayden out of the car or not?"

"Oh! Yeah, of course." Now that Scott's decided to go through with this, his beta is practically giddy. Scott wishes he could tell him not to get his hopes up, but when he tried that, Liam turned homicidal. Sometime in the last fifteen minutes, this became the better option.

"You're making the right choice, Scott," Theo says, offering him a smile. "This will work."

"Maybe." Scott shakes his arms from the shoulder to the wrist, like that will somehow throw off his anxiety. "Hopefully."

"Your mom's on her way, Scott," Lydia adds. "I called her over to help with the mercury poisoning before you told me you were going through with this." Scott notices that she's never mentioned what she thinks about his plan—never tried to sway him one way or the other like everyone else has. But he's too afraid of her opinion to ask for it.

"We won't need her help tonight," Scott says. "One way or another." If Hayden survives the bite, she'll be cured of the mercury poisoning too. If she doesn't, there's nothing his mom can do.

"Go ahead," Theo says. "Get it over with, Scott. Hayden's not getting any stronger."

"Right." But Scott looks at her skin, paler now than he's ever seen it, and hesitates. "Are you sure, Hayden? Are you sure you want this? If I give you the bite, it might kill you."

"I know. But I'm going to die anyway. Might as well"—she coughs—"see if I'm fit to be a werewolf first."

"Okay." He takes a deep breath. Picks up her forearm with loose fingers, careful not to scratch her with his claws. "Okay."

Under the light of the supermoon and a dozen sickly streetlamps, Scott sinks his teeth into Hayden's arm.


	5. Good Thing I'm Dying Too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Sorry I take forever to post a new chapter and then it's this...
> 
> Btw the chapter title is paraphrased from that scene at Kira's house in 3x12 when they're playing Go and Stiles says something along the lines of "Allison's dead. I guess the only good thing is it looks like I'm dying too."

" _SCOTT, DON'T!_ " Stiles topples out of his jeep before he's even put it into park, leaving the engine running as he sprints towards his best friend. " _YOU CAN'T GIVE HAYDEN THE BITE. IT'LL KILL_ _—"_

That's when he sees Scott look up, blood staining his teeth. A matching bite mark defaces Hayden's arm.

Scott says something, but it's muffled by the roaring in Stiles's ears. He tries to keep moving forward, but instead he trips over his own feet and crumples to the ground. Every part of him throbs with the pain of a thousand deaths. "You bit her," he whispers. "Oh, God, it's my fault."

Scott steps toward him, frowning. "Stiles, what's going on? What happened to you? You look _awful_."

Not much could have made Stiles move at this moment, but somehow, that does. Scott's unwavering ability to _care_ —even though they're fighting, even though Scott thinks he's a murderer—forces Stiles to his feet. He turns toward Lydia. "Is there any way to counteract wolfsbane?" he asks her desperately. "Once it gets into the bloodstream, is there any way to reverse its effects?"

As always, Lydia knows when things are too serious to ask questions. "I don't know," she says unsteadily. "Deaton cut into Brett's chest when he was poisoned, right? Maybe we could try that."

"But what if—" Just then, Stiles sees Theo standing just behind Liam, smirking. His vision tunnels. " _YOU!_ " he roars. " _YOU DID THIS TO SCOTT!_ "

He tries to launch himself at Theo, but Scott pulls him back. "Did what to me?" he demands. "Stiles, you're not making any sense. What are you talking about?"

All Stiles wants is to pummel Theo until he breaks as much as Stiles is shattered. He wants him to _hurt_ like Stiles is hurting. But then he looks at Scott, so good and so kind and so confused, and he takes a deep breath. _This is the nogitsune,_ he says to himself. _This isn't you. Focus on who matters._ "There's wolfsbane and mercury mixed into Hayden's bloodstream," he blurts out, "and you ingested it when you bit her, and now you might die and it's my fault because I didn't get to you soon enough to tell you and I'm so sorry, Scotty."

"How—" Scott shakes his head, like that'll somehow make Stiles's news less true. "Stiles, how do you know that?"

" _He_ told me," Stiles says, whirling on Theo. "This was his plan all along. He wants to kill you and take your place, Scott." Whatever restraint he had left snaps. " _DAMN IT, THEO._ " This time, he pulls free of Scott's grasp and grabs Theo by his shirt collar. " _TELL ME HOW TO STOP THIS._ "

For a moment, the whole world seems to freeze. Liam and Hayden and Lydia and Scott are all turned towards Stiles and Theo, confusion evident on their faces. The streetlamp hums overhead like a firefly. Then Theo laughs, breaking the silence. "Do you really think I'd tell you even if there _was_ a cure?"

"No." Scott takes a step back. "No, Theo, I _trusted_ you! Are you saying—"

"Should have listened to your best friend, Scott," Theo smirks. "He didn't bash Donovan's head in with a wrench, and he was right about me."

"Wait." Liam turns and stares with Hayden with horror, then Scott. "I basically forced you to give her the bite. I'm the reason you…" He whirls on Theo with a fire that matches Stiles's. " _DOES THIS MEAN BOTH OF THEM ARE GOING TO DIE NOW_?"

Theo just nods.

Right on cue, Scott stumbles, shaking his head back and forth and sneezing. His eyes flash red briefly. "Oh, God," he mutters. Then he looks at Stiles, and the remorse in his eyes destroys Stiles's heart. "I'm so sorry. I should have believed you. Stiles—"

"It's okay." Stiles clenches his hands into fists, hiding the Lichtenberg figures cracking his skin. "I didn't exactly make it easy. But I swear, Scott, _I'm going to fix this._ "

"What? Stiles, how—"

But Stiles has already turned back to Theo. "I don't believe you," he says flatly. "You didn't do all that manipulation to falter now. You've basically admitted that all this is your fault, which you wouldn't do if killing Scott was your endgame. You know you won't find a pack in us anymore, so you must have a plan B. You must have a way to save him."

Slowly, Theo grins. "Of course I have a plan B." He reaches into his coat and pulls out two syringes. "These can bring people back from the dead, and thanks to your little forest expedition with Lydia, I know exactly where to find a host of dead bodies. Dead chimeras, to be exact."

Stiles's ears are ringing. "So you can cure death?"

"The dead and the dying, yes. You won't even have to wait until Scott and Hayden have died to save them."

Stiles goes cold. "So what's the catch, Theo? You wouldn't just give me this to be nice."

"Stiles, I've already told you what I want," Theo says. "And it's something you can do for me."

"Oh." He looks at his hands. "Fine."

"Stiles, what is he talking about?" Lydia speaks up for the first time. "Stiles, what does he want?"

Instead of speaking, he just shows her the marks on his palms.

She takes a step back. "No," she whispers. "No, we got rid of him."

"Not completely." Stiles shoves his hands in his pockets. "Apparently."

"What?" Scott frowns, even as he trips over his own feet and crumples onto his knees. "Stiles, you can't _believe_ Theo! He's been lying to us the whole time! You can't honestly think he'll hold up his end of the deal."

"He will." Stiles swallows, hard, and then turns on Theo with murder in his eyes. "Because if this cure doesn't save you and Hayden, I'll kill him before the nogitsune has a chance to take over."

Theo just grins.

"You don't _know_ that the nogitsune will take over at all!" Scott falls onto his hands, his back shuddering with every breath. His eyes are round, dark, and horrified. "You don't have any proof he's back! And… and even if he is, we can fight him off together! We did before—"

"Maybe," Stiles says. Somewhere between seeing the blood on Scott's teeth and threatening Theo, his hands have stopped shaking. His voice is steady too. "But I can't do anything if you die." He turns to Lydia, his eyes hard. "You know what happened last time these marks showed up. If I ever get even _close_ to hurting someone else, you can't waste any energy on trying to save me. Kill me the first chance you get."

He's never seen Lydia look so pale. Not even when she hurled herself into his arms after seeing Aiden's dead body. "Stiles…"

But Stiles is thinking about Donovan, and Allison, and Aiden, and a few simple words he'd spoken last year. _I guess the only good thing is it looks like I'm dying too._ "I'm already dead anyway." He doesn't keep his eyes on Lydia long enough to see her reaction. Instead, he looks down at Scott and feels the last piece of himself shatter. "I'm sorry, Scotty," he says again. "You deserve a better best friend than the one you got."

Scott is wheezing like he used to when he had asthma, a thousand lifetimes ago. Stiles can see fangs flash in his mouth. "I… I don't want anyone else."

Stiles doesn't know what to say to that, so he just faces Theo again. "Give me the cure."

"Of course."

"I'm not going with you until I see it work."

"Of course."

He wants to tear off Theo's awful smirk with his bare hands, but he just snatches the syringes out of his grip and plunges one into Scott's neck and one into Hayden's.

There's one horrible, hideous moment where nothing changes. Then they gasp for air, almost in unison, and Scott sits up and grabs onto Stiles's arm with all his werewolf strength. His claws leave marks in Stiles's skin, but Stiles doesn't mind. He'd prefer those marks over Lichtenberg figures any day. "Don't go with Theo," Scott pleads. "I'm fine. We'll be fine."

"You don't know that." He lowers his voice. "Besides, I'd rather be possessed by a fox demon in his company than yours. If I'm going to kill anyone this time around, it's going to be him."

Scott opens his mouth, shuts it, then opens it again. "Stiles—"

"Lydia, remember what I said," Stiles says, getting to his feet again. "And… and I'm sorry about what I did to you too." He's not entirely sure what he means by that, and from the look on her face, Lydia isn't either. But it's not like he's in short supply of things he needs to apologize for.

The moment is broken when Theo laughs. "Well, glad we had this talk," he says. "I've been looking forward to the day that void Stiles joins my pack." Before anyone can say a word, he drops something on the ground that cracks apart and releases some sort of gas. Stiles can only watch, his eyes watering, as the rest of his pack crumples to the ground and passes out. Only a few seconds go by before he joins them.


	6. Ripped at Every Edge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heck yeah i wrote another chapter in a day! this is just further evidence of my irregular posting schedule and my inability to control when/how much i write.
> 
> P.S. Chapter title is from "Colors" by Halsey.

When Scott wakes up, Theo and Stiles are gone. Parrish is gone too, although Scott still isn't entirely sure why he showed up in the first place. Not that he cares. In light of recent events, worrying about Parrish has kind of taken a backseat to worrying about Stiles.

"We have to find them" is the first thing out of his mouth, spoken through gritted teeth as he struggles into a seated position. "Lydia—Liam—Hayden—we have to—"

"Scott, slow down. You almost died." Lydia kneels at his side, offering him a helping hand. But the gesture kind of fails because her hand is shaking like hell.

"I can't slow down," Scott protests. "You saw how Stiles looked. I'm pretty sure his nose was broken, and who knows what Theo is doing to him, and—"

"I…" Lydia presses her lips together and looks away. "I don't know if I want to find Stiles."

Scott can't believe that the words coming out of Lydia's mouth are real. " _What_?"

"Well, I do want to find Stiles," she admits. "It's just—well—I don't know if we _will_ find Stiles, or if we'll find the… you know. You heard what Stiles said to me. If the nogitsune takes him over again, he told me to make sure he died."

"No." Scott clenches his fists. "He only wants that if the nogitsune tries to hurt anyone."

The noise Lydia makes would have been a laugh under any other circumstances. "It's the nogitsune, Scott. He _lives_ to hurt others."

"Then we'll just have to make sure he can't," Scott growls. "I'm not giving up on Stiles."

"I'm sorry," Hayden interjects suddenly. She's been leaning against Liam for support, but with that sentence, she shrugs him away and wraps her arms around herself. "This is all my fault. I should have been strong enough to keep that dread doctor away from me. If I had, I wouldn't have been injected and none of this might have happened."

"Hayden, you didn't do anything wrong," Liam frowns. "Unlike me." He turns to Scott, his face stricken. "I forced you into this. I'm so sorry."

Scott shakes his head. "Theo had thought of everything," he says, "and we had no idea he even wanted to betray us. The only one who suspected anything was…" He shakes his head again and stands up. "We have to figure out where Theo took Stiles. We have to find him."

Slowly, Lydia nods, and the others follow suit. "Yeah," she says. "All right. And if he's not Stiles when we get there?"

Scott's eyes flash red, matching the taste of blood still fresh in his mouth. "It doesn't matter who—or what—gets in our way. I'm going to save my best friend."

That's what he says, determined, as he thinks about what Stiles might be going through right now. He just tries not to remember what happened the last time he took his pack on a mission to save some best friends.

* * *

"Interesting choice of hideout," Stiles comments, struggling against the restraints strapping him to the metal table. "It's not like my pack comes here  _all the time_ or anything."

"That's kind of the point," Theo responds. "We were just here. Nobody's going to think about coming back to look for you. Besides, Deaton keeps many methods of dealing with the supernatural in here. I'm betting there's something that could help me." To prove his point, he rips out one of Deaton's drawers and empties it onto the tile floor. The clattering makes Stiles's ears ache.

"What are you trying to accomplish, anyway?"

"Oh, lots of things," Theo says cryptically, rifling through the items he finds. "But at the moment, I'm trying to get the nogitsune to show up in your conscious mind. Nobody really understands how it works." He holds up a scalpel and grins. "Who knows? Maybe pain is a trigger."

Suddenly, vividly, horrifyingly, Stiles remembers what Lydia told him earlier. She had been pulled toward the animal clinic because… because… _someone there is going to die._

Theo advances on him with the scalpel, and Stiles shudders. "If you ask me," he says quickly, "you're probably wrong about that. At the moment, I have about a hundred bruises, and my nose is probably broken along with who knows what else. If pain triggered the nogitsune, don't you think it would have shown up by now?"

"You're right," Theo says, and Stiles almost allows himself to sigh in relief. Except it's Theo, so he keeps his mouth shut. "Pain won't call the nogitsune. Lots of people experience pain. I'm pretty sure you and all your friends are well-acquainted with it by now, so that can't be what makes the nogitsune show up. Still." He twirls the scalpel experimentally through his fingers. "There's a reason he possessed you, you know. There has to be. Scott and Allison Argent had doors open in their minds too, after all." Stiles can't help it. He flinches, and Theo notices and laughs. "Yes, Stiles, I know about Allison Argent. The dread doctors know a lot when it comes to your pack. But like I was saying, you all had open doors, right? Didn't you ever wonder why you were the one the nogitsune possessed?"

Stiles frowns. "They closed their doors. I didn't."

"Please. You all closed your doors, but that doesn't mean anything. Once a door like that opens, you can't really shut it all the way."

Stiles can't help it. He snaps. "All right, then. If you've got all the answers, why _did_ he possess me? Come on, I'd love to hear it."

"I wasn't sure at first," Theo admits. "But then I watched you, and I watched your friends, and I figured it out."

Stiles grits his teeth. "Enlighten me."

"It's because so much about you can be ripped away. All the humor and sarcasm, the intelligence, the determination, the loyalty, the paranoia—those things are just layers. At your core, all you've got is anger, Stiles. That's what the nogitsune likes about you."

Stiles takes a deep, shuddering breath, allows air to fill every crevice of his lungs before he pushes it out again. "That's not true."

"Oh, come on, Stiles, you're smarter than this. You really think _Scott McCall_ could have been possessed by the nogitsune for so long? He's built on kindness, practically _made_ of goodness. His body would reject anything as dark as the trickster fox. But not yours."

He takes another deep breath. His fingernails dig into his skin until they draw blood. "Scott's body would reject the nogitsune because he's already a werewolf, dumbass."

"Maybe," Theo says. "But what about Allison Argent? She was human too."

Stiles feels himself go terrifyingly, painfully numb. "You better watch what you say about her."

"Oh, don't worry, I won't say anything _bad_." Theo grins again. "How could I? With her last act, Allison Argent saved her friends' lives and showed them how to defeat the Oni. She was brave and kind too, and she loved her friends. No wonder Scott never really got over her. I wouldn't be surprised if he still blamed you, too."

" _SHUT UP!_ " Stiles bangs against his straps, not caring that they cut into his ribs and arms. " _YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!_ "

"I know I just made you angry." That arrogant grin is still on Theo's face. Stiles really wishes he could melt it off. "And I know you've almost broken through your restraints. That's something only supernatural creatures can do."

Stiles looks down, and Theo's right. Only a thin piece of leather is keeping him strapped down. Without hesitation, he rips it apart. "Looks like your plan backfired. I'm free."

"I'm not worried. You're a pale, skinny human. I like my odds."

"And if the nogitsune shows up?"

"I'm sure we can come to some sort of arrangement."

"I wouldn't be so sure," he snarls. Then he launches himself at Theo.

Theo laughs as they hit the ground and roll into a cabinet. Stiles ends up on the bottom, but he ducks out of the way of Theo's claws and swings his elbow into the back of his knee, causing Theo to lose his balance long enough for Stiles to escape. "Good, Stiles! Fuel your anger. Come on, try to hit me."

"There's no _trying_ about it," Stiles growls, but he can't help but feel _déjà vu_ as he swings at Theo's face and misses. This fight is no different from the one he lost just under an hour ago… only during that hour, Stiles watched his best friend almost die and learned  that the nogitsune has been dormant inside him this entire time. He feels even more broken than before… maybe even beyond repair. At the thought, Stiles slams into Theo with his entire body weight behind the blow. He hits the metal table with a crack, barely even wincing at what must be awful pain.

"Go ahead, Stiles. You want to kill me, don't you? Pick up a scalpel. Aim for my heart. Let the nogitsune out."

" _NEVER!"_

And that's when Stiles hears it—the voice that's kept him from sleeping for the past year. The voice that haunts his nightmares and his memories. The voice that had seemed like it belonged to a hideous monster, until he realized it belonged to him.

" _Too late._ " And behind Theo Raeken's amused expression, Stiles sees his own face staring back at him. " _Hello again, Stiles_."


	7. Villains That Live in My Head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for this chapter: attempted suicide and character death. Proceed at your own risk. 
> 
> (Chapter title from "Control" by Halsey.)

Stiles stumbles backward, shoes slipping on the waxy linoleum floor. "How are you here?" he demands. "Wh—why are you here?"

"I was always here," the thing with his face says. "I enjoyed seeing the desperation and fury on your face when that orderly tried to put a syringe in Lydia Martin's neck. Watching your relationship with your pack fall apart was also very satisfying. Who knew I didn't even need to be in control for you to cause chaos and strife?"

He clenches his fists. "That wasn't all me. That couldn't have all been me."

"Does it really matter?" The thing with his face tilts his head to the side—slowly, deliberately, never breaking eye contact. Stiles just wants to blink and turn away, but he doesn't. Some part of him thinks that if he does, the nogitsune will win. (Another part of him thinks that the nogitsune will win either way. He tries not to think about that part.) "Well, Stiles? Does it really matter who caused it when we're the same now? We've been the same for a long time, Stiles."

" _I'M NOT THE SAME AS YOU!_ "

Throughout this exchange, Theo has been watching Stiles talk with wide, starving eyes. "Is he here?" he asks with a grin. "Is void Stiles back?"

The nogitsune curls his hand into a fist, one finger at a time, until he's matching Stiles's position and posture. "It's rude of you to interrupt our conversation, Theo Raeken," he says pointedly, even though Theo apparently can't hear him. "You are not useful."

He swings his fist and moves his legs, and Stiles's appendages respond, closing the gap between Theo and him and forcing him to punch Theo so hard he hits a wall and doesn't get up. Normally, Stiles wouldn't complain about a development like that, but — "You can't do that!"

"I told you, Stiles, we're the same." The thing with his face rests his fist on a metal table, and Stiles feels his wrist tug towards his own table as well.

Instead he resists, backing away from the table until he reaches a set of drawers. "I refuse to let you do this again," he says, and for once his voice is deadly calm. "You're not going to ruin everyone I love again."

The nogitsune raises his eyebrows. The corner of his mouth tilts upward, but he looks more angry than amused. "And how exactly are you going to stop me?"

Stiles pulls open a drawer he remembers Scott mentioning whenever he talks about his job at this clinic. The drawer Scott despises. The drawer he hates opening.

"I have a few ideas."

* * *

They're in the middle of ruling out possible locations when Lydia clutches her skull and gasps, "Oh, _no_."

Scott stops thinking about everything else. "What?"

"I forgot… _STOP IT!_ " Lydia's eyes are wide, her knuckles white, when she screams at nothing. The last time Scott saw her this terrified, Stiles was about to kill himself to defeat the nogitsune.

Immediately, Scott reaches forward and tries to pull Lydia's hands away from her ears. "What's wrong, Lydia?" he asks urgently. "Are you okay? Do you need me to—? Let me take your pain."

Lydia shakes her head violently, and now her eyes are squeezed tightly shut. "You can't take this kind of pain," she insists. "I won't let you."

"What? Lydia—"

"I'm… I'm fine." She takes a deep breath, slowly pries her eyes open while keeping her hands firmly in place. "But we have to go."

"What are you talking about? Lydia, you're not fine."

"Forget about me!" Another breath shudders through her lungs, wracking her entire body. "Don't you remember what I said earlier? Someone is going to die tonight at the animal clinic. Someone— _no_!"

"No? No, what? Lydia, what's going on?"

He can see the effort it takes Lydia to swallow hard and lower her hands, to look him in the eyes so he knows this is important. "Someone's going to die there. And now I think it might be Stiles."

For approximately one second, Scott feels so, so helpless. After everything he's experienced tonight, it's hard for him not to be. He almost lost so many friendships and so many people tonight. He almost died himself. And now Lydia says he could lose Stiles too. But… "I refuse to believe that." Scott forces himself to his feet, reaches out a hand to pull Lydia up too. "You're not sure yet. We could still save him. We always save him." He looks over at Liam and Hayden. "Are you guys coming?"

Hayden straightens up, even though she still looks a little pale. "Of course." Liam nods resolutely, and it's comforting to know that for once, the anger in his eyes isn't directed toward Scott.

"Okay. Let's go, then."

They all get into Lydia's car. Seeing as she's still massaging her forehead, Scott offers to drive. Less than a minute after they leave, he gets a call from his mom. "Honey, where are you? I thought I was supposed to meet you guys at the school."

Scott decides not to tell her everything that's happened in the last hour. Sometimes it's not always better when they know — especially when the thing they don't know is that their son almost died. "Change of plans. Lydia says someone's going to die at the animal clinic. We're not going to let it be Stiles."

"What? Isn't Stiles with you?"

 _I wish_. "Stiles… Stiles is with Theo. He took him, Mom. Theo's not who we thought he was."

Silence takes over the line, dancing between him and his mom. Then she says, "I'll meet you there."

" _What_?" he says, almost swerving on the road. "No, Mom, you can't come."

He can practically hear her disapproving look through the phone. "Stiles might be hurt, Scott. I can help you."

"No. No, Mom, you can't."

She sighs. It's loud and pointed and creates a rift in his heart. "Why not?"

"Because!" He swallows hard and turns left, his pulse racing in his throat as they get closer and closer to the animal clinic. "Even if we save Stiles, someone is still going to die there. And I can't… I can't lose you."

She inhales sharply. "I'm your _mom_ , Scott. I'm supposed to be the one protecting you!"

"Not tonight." Scott makes another turn. "Please, Mom. I need to have at least one person tonight who stays safe the entire time. There has to be at least one person tonight who I know I can protect. I can't... I need you to be that person."

The silence lasts so long that Scott is halfway convinced that she just ignored him and turned toward the animal clinic after all. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Lydia pointedly looking out the window, trying to give him privacy. He appreciates that. He appreciates her. He misses Allison every day, but he never regrets what they did. They went there that night to save Lydia even more than they came to save Stiles, and he could never regret that. Not when Lydia is probably the only reason any member of his pack is still alive.

Finally, while he's still wrapped in his thoughts, his mom speaks. "Okay. All right, Scott. But do me a favor?"

"What?"

"I need you to be that person too."

Scott's grip tightens on his phone until he's afraid he'll break it. "I love you, Mom."

He can practically feel her concern emanating from the phone's speaker. "I love you too, kid."

He hangs up before he can start crying.

"We're here, Scott," Lydia says suddenly, gritting her teeth, and he can see from the ache in her eyes that the voices are stronger than ever.

"Are you sure you want to go inside?" he asks, looking at her worriedly. "It'll probably get worse."

"Stiles is in there," she says, like no other explanation is necessary. And he supposes that's true.

He turns to Hayden and Liam in the backseat. "And you two… someone in there is going to die tonight. I don't want it to be either of you either. Do you really want to risk this?"

"I already thought I was going to die tonight," Hayden says, her jaw tense and her eyes hard. "I'm already living in overtime."

"And I caused this," Liam says, even though it's not even close to true. "I'm going to help stop it."

The rift in Scott's heart gets a little wider. "Okay." And then he jumps out of Lydia's car and races over to the animal clinic, throwing open the door and racing through the waiting room without a second thought. But when he gets to the examination room, he stops in his tracks.

Theo is slumped over on the ground near a wall, unmoving. And Stiles is on the other side of the room, arguing with someone — _something_ _—_ Scott can't see.

There's a knife in his hand.

"Stiles!" Scott yelps. "What's going on?"

Stiles whirls around. When he sees Scott, the arm holding the knife starts shaking. "What are you doing here?" he demands, his eyes wide. "You can't be here."

Lydia steps around Scott and plants her feet firmly inside the doorway. "We came to save you, Stiles."

"No, no, no, I'm not the one who needs saving," Stiles insists, taking a step back. "You guys have to leave. I can't—" That's when he turns his head and sees his arm slowly moving into a throwing position. He yelps, grabs his arm with his other hand, and forcibly shoves it onto the counter.

Scott's throat starts closing up. "Stiles, what Theo said about the nogitsune coming back… is it true? Is that what's happening to you right now?"

But Stiles isn't listening to him. "I'll do it," he says threateningly to the air. "I'm not going to let you hurt my friends. I'll kill myself if that's what it takes."

Lydia cries out, clutching her skull. "Stiles, you can't do that," she pleads, her eyes squeezed into slits. "Don't do that."

"Fine," Stiles says—but he isn't talking to Lydia. His arm lifts again with Stiles clearly in control this time. He adjusts the position of his knife so it hovers over his wrist—and Scott loses his mind. He races forward, lunges for Stiles's arm, and grabs it with his clawed hands.

" _No_ ," he growls, far more like a werewolf than a human. "You're not doing this, Stiles. I'll give you the bite before I let you do this."

There's an instant where Stiles looks like he might still try to slit his wrists open, and Scott's heart stops. But then his arm relaxes, and the sound Stiles makes afterwards is closer to a sob than a laugh. "That's why you're the True Alpha," he says quietly, "and I'm just the sidekick."

"You were never just a sidekick, Stiles," Scott insists. "You stopped me from doing this first. I'm just returning the favor."

"Yeah, but— _SHUT UP!_ " Stiles shouts at something Scott still can't see, something he knows now must be the nogitsune in his best friend's head. " _YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL HERE._ "

"That's right," Scott says, trying to be encouraging, his hands still clamped around Stiles's arm just in case. "You can fight him, Stiles."

Stiles takes a deep, shuddering breath and shakes his head. "You don't know what it's like," he says, his voice strained. "It's... There's this scientific law that the universe always tends towards disorder, you know. It's called entropy. Even _science_ knows how close chaos and strife are at any given moment. I'm looking at you, Scott, and—and I don't know how much of this is the nogitsune, but I can see about fifty different ways this ends in chaos and strife, and zero ways this ends without it. How can I fight something that's already won?"

"You can't think like that," Scott says. "You have to believe that chaos and strife aren't the only answers. We can still _fix this_ , Stiles—" And then something tugs Scott back by the collar of his shirt and slams him to the ground.

In an instant, Theo is on top of him, hands tight around Scott's throat. "I'm tired of you getting in my way, Scott McCall," he growls. "I need the nogitsune to rise tonight. I need to form my pack. And that means I need you out of the picture."

Scott's claws scrape against the linoleum as he gasps for air. "Don't… do this, Theo," he says. "Don't make me hurt you."

"Then tell Stiles to stop fighting the nogitsune. It's pointless anyway."

"Saving… Stiles… isn't… pointless."

"Fine. I'll just kill you then."

With that, Theo's thumbs press down harder on Scott's windpipe, cutting off his air flow almost completely. As his vision blurs at the edges, Scott loses sight of the moral code he's always lived by, the one thing he clings to when he looks in the mirror and only sees red eyes and fangs. He forgets that he's not a monster, that there are some lines he's promised himself never to cross. He only knows three things: One, that if he doesn't stop Theo _right now_ , he's going to die. Two, that if he dies, Stiles will almost certainly lose to the nogitsune. Three, that if the nogitsune wins and joins forces with the dread doctors, all of Beacon Hills will be destroyed along with Stiles's mind. Armed with that knowledge, saving his best friend suddenly seems more important than saving his own soul.

Scott struggles against the weight of Theo's body, freeing his arm and pulling it toward Theo. With claws still out, Scott aims for Theo's throat without hesitation—and Lydia screams, shrill and piercing, and Scott hears a _thunk_ , and Theo's eyes widen a fraction of an inch, and his grip on Scott's neck loosens, and he falls to the side with a barely audible sigh. Scott scrambles out from under him, and the first thing he sees is the knife in Theo's back.

The second thing he sees is the complete lack of remorse on Stiles's face. "I wasn't going to let you become a monster too," he says quietly. "And someone was always going to die here."

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> You can find me on tumblr: actuallymollyweasley.tumblr.com (main blog) or stilestilikeslydia.tumblr.com (trash TW side blog).


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